How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days

At SABM, we are always looking for signs of Bearded Frauds. These creatures usually trawl about online strutting their fake beards and searching for Decent Hijabis to harass – er, marry. Decent Hijabis are strongly advised to refrain from falling for these beardless fellows. Below is an online chat session that reveals Bearded Fraud for what he is. Watch for the signs and don’t make the same mistakes yourself:

BF: Salam
BF: Anyone there?
BF: I don’t like talking into thin air. It’s rude.
DH: Oh, sorry, I don’t believe I know you.
BF: That’s okay.
DH: It actually isn’t.
BF: We can at least talk.
DH: I’m really not interested.
DH: I didn’t even know strangers could contact me this way.
DH: I must have unclicked something along the way.
BF: Let’s just talk.
BF: And then you’ll see if you’re interested in continuing to talk to me.
BF: Are you a Muslim?
DH: Yes.
DH: I’m really sorry, but I’m not interested in continuing this conversation.
BF: Why?
DH: I’m just not.
DH: I wish you the best. Goodbye.

But Bearded Fraud comes back with, well, a few lame comebacks of his own. Be awed as we are with the ludicrous arguments he puts forth to the now-wary Decent Hijabi online:

BF: You said you are a Muslim. Are you a hijabi?
DH: Yes.
BF: So you can’t judge me before you know me. Didn’t Allah say that?
BF: Don’t think you are better than me or any other Muslim girl.
DH: I didn’t say I was.
DH: I don’t want to be rude.
DH: But I’m really not interested in talking to a random stranger.
BF: Do you think you are a good Muslim?
DH: I don’t get what this has to do with being a good Muslim or not.
DH: But if you read my words carefully
DH: You will realize I wasn’t saying I was better than you.
BF: Who do you think you are?
BF: You know, honestly, you women think you practice and apply Islam 100%.
BF: Just because you wear hijab.
DH: The fact that you cannot even understand what I am saying
DH: Shows there isn’t sufficient commonality to converse.
DH: I didn’t say that I practice and apply 100%.
DH: What nonsense.
DH: My wearing of the hijab doesn’t mean I’m a paragon of virtue.
BF: You know what?
BF: If I wasn’t a Muslim, and I saw the way you were treating me
BF: I wouldn’t even think to convert to Islam.
DH: Yeah, well, I tried to be nice to you, but clearly, you do not understand.
DH: So honestly, I don’t care.
DH: Goodbye.
BF: You people don’t present Islam the way the Prophet did!
BF: You give a bad image to Islam!
BF: And you call yourself a Muslim girl? Ha!
BF: Salaaaam!

Good riddance, Bearded Fraud! Too bad you had to learn the hard way: Decent Hijabs are far too clever to fall for your clumsy beardless tricks. Even when it’s online and your words are couched in self-righteous, religiously invested language.

Exhibit A: Head Gear
It is highly recommended for Beard’s image that he dons a kufi. This serves many purposes, including adding to his overall look of modesty, and covering that dreaded area where his hair has begun “thinning” at the age of 25 (i.e. the bald spot).

Exhibit B: Glasses
Although not an absolute necessity, glasses add a certain refined and elegant look to the face of a Beard. They denote higher thinking and studiousness. Since intellect is a valued quality a Hijab would look for in a prospective mate, it is an advisable accessory.

Exhibit C: Facial Expression
Every Beard must have a happy and satisfied expression on his face. Despite the popular belief that Beards have to be expressionless drones whose eyes are consistently cast to the ground, there is nothing even slightly attractive about looking like a miserable hairy man. Smiles (that have been cared for by a loving miswak) are imperative.

Exhibit D: The Beard
There is nothing more important in the anatomy of a Beard, than his beard. Now, various theories have been put forth as to which size, shape, and colour are best suited for chin-hair growth. However, it is our belief at Snag a Bearded Mozlem, that one must be fairly open minded. Triangular-shaped beards may be suited to some faces, while square shaped beards that jut out are suited for others. On that note, it is also our strong belief that scraggly beards growing in all possible directions, not conforming with the rules of gravity, are much too wild. Beard, we know you love your beard, but please, do not let it completely take over your face.

Exhibit E: Religious Item
It is essential for a complete image of a Beard to have in hand a tasbeeh and/or other items denoting religiousity. Such items may include but are not limited to a Quran, a bottle of musk, a plain gray bag full of raw halal meat, or samosas.

Exhibit F: The Thobe
Also called “galabiya” by locals, this item of clothing is an indispensable piece of the puzzle that is a Beard (note that said puzzle is only made up of around 7 pieces, depending on your school of thought). To achieve a truly devout exterior, this item of clothing must be hemmed at the Beard’s ankles or slightly higher, giving off the distinct impression that he is preparing for a flood. The thobe should preferably be made such that it shows off a bit of hairy man leg. Toes and feet should also be faintly hairy.

Exhibit G: Sandals
The poor Beard has often been seen strutting around in socks and sandals. Our hearts sympathize with these sometimes dull creatures. However, sandals in and of themselves are quite valuable in the persona of a Beard. It gives off the pious impression that he is always on his way to performing ablution.

And thus is a rough summary of a Beard’s anatomy, from head to toe.

We at SABM can’t quite decide what to make of Hot Runway Girls Without Hijab (HRGWH) who drool over Bearded Mozlems. HRGWH sport stylish new hairstyles every week and wear colorful earrings that match their pointy high-heeled shoes. Their luscious forms – even though some of them really aren’t all that luscious to our eyes – are always decked out in the latest styles.

And yet – and yet – they have the hots for Bearded Mozlems! Perhaps Bearded Mozlem, with his scraggly facial locks and Neanderthal bone structure, complements their expensive furry coat or their Ugg boots (though Lord knows, he’d have to grow a beard down to his knees for that)?

Get real. Bearded Mozlems are ugly. They’re monstrously ugly. Too ugly to be seen with you in all of your outwardly feminine sexiness.

Heh heh.

Okay, HRGWH, let us let you in on a eensy-teensy secret. Bearded Mozlems, you see, are an endangered species. These fine specimen are nearly extinct, really. And you - with your perfectly coiffed hair and impeccable wardrobe and glistening come-hither eyes - you are quite the stiff competition, yes? So we must beg you, once and for all, to kindly refrain from stealing from our limited supply of men. Does not that Noble Quran say something about like men being for like women? Hijabed Girls are for Bearded Mozlems.

Remember, we Hijabis morph into Ninjabis. So if you want to keep your hair, you will stay away. Far away. Consider this fair warning.

All the desi men are asking their friends: Vat does it take to catch that super cool desi chick? Oh, but it is not as difficult as it seems! Desi chicks are very soft and fluffy and sweet — and sometimes even a wheatish yellow. This makes them so cute and cuddly that every desi chick within 10 yards or more wants to be their rooster. But of course, the cunning desi gentleman knows that there are always ways to catch a chica’s attention.

The first thing to do to run after these chicas is get rid of your skirt! Now you’re probably thinking, how dare this Lady Wuggles make fun of me? Oh, but she is not commenting on your less-than-manly features!. She is talking about your skirt! Some desi men insist upon wearing skirts! Of course, if you are wearing a skirt, you will never catch your choice desi chick. Not only will she be horrified by your choice of apparel, but you will never run as fast as your trouser-wearing counterparts. Why do you think those desi chicks take such small steps? Because they want to be all graceful and pretty? No, because THEY DO NOT WANT TO RIP THEIR SKIRTS. So learn from these desi chicks. Because the sight of a man in a torn skirt will make desi chicks faint even faster than the aunties’ tongues are set a-wagging.

LESSON #1: DO NOT WEAR A SKIRT.

One of the quickest and most effective methods to catch Bearded Mozlem’s eye is for Hijabed Girl to drop something. It is quite simple: Hijabed Girl must simply carry around a bag full or something or the other – preferably flowers or cookies and not books of philosophy – and absentmindedly drop it in Bearded Mozlem’s line of sight. Bearded Mozlem will be all over himself tripping and apologizing in his rush to come to the rescue, feeling woefully sorry that he did not think to offer help to the poor Mozlema in the first place. Incidentally, Bearded Mozlem will also melt if he sees Hijabed Girl staggering about with a heavy box. He will feel guilty that he is laughing with Kufi Man and not noticing Hijabed Girl and her many burdens.

Now how Hijabed Girl responds is key. If she refuses his offer to help completely, he will hate her forever and call her Evil Feminist Witch. Most members of the male gender have a strange desire to feel needed, and Bearded Mozlem is no exception. If Hijabed Girl accepts his offer right away, he will think she is too easy, or that she is just angling for his attention. So first she must refuse profusely. Any good Bearded Mozlem will ask again one more time. At this point, she will smile shyly and say, “Okay, thank you so much, brother,” and then she will of course add, “May Allah (SWT) reward you for your help”. At this point, Bearded Mozlem is literally melting and he will do anything for Hijabed Girl.

Of course, if Bearded Mozlem does not look up, he is not worthy of the attentions of Hijabed Girl. It is imperative that he notices her pain and feels bad about it. Otherwise Bearded Mozlem just isn’t worth the effort.

Snagging bearded Mozlems is a true art form.

One must realize that bearded males are much different than baby-faced ones. The former are more difficult to attract because of their modesty. Of course, baby-faced men can also be modest, but let’s just stick to stereotypes for now.

My friends, please join us on this quest to ensnare that right bearded Mozlem!