How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
A year ago, I married a Beard thinking he was decent and pious and kind. After marriage, I realized how wrong I was. He gets angry easily and hits me and calls me names. He also doesn’t pray, and even though it’s Ramadan, he only pretends to fast in front of other Muslims. How could I be so wrong about a Beard?
Disillusioned in Delaware

Dear Disillusioned,

You must know by now that not all Beards are good and virtuous beings; some – just a few, we’d like to think – cleverly conceal their evilest intentions behind those lustrously curly locks. Unfortunately, the immaculate state of your husband’s still handsome beard masks his obvious grotesqueness. He is a monster. And you, my dear, are a poor naive girl who must be schooled in the way of men. You are certainly ripe for the fooling!

Do you still sleep beside him? We hope you do not. But in the circumstance that you do – and being the innocently accepting woman that you are, we suspect you are guilty of this dastardly deed – our very sincere advice to you is to tiptoe out of bed, grab a sharpened shaver of some sort and ruthlessly ram it into his pride and joy while he rests. As he drools and snores and giggles, carefully shave off one side of his beautiful beard and not the other. He will of course be forced to remove the rest the next morning and will then henceforth be exposed – er, unbearded – as a fraud. After you have accomplished this deliciously mischievous deed, sprinkle the cut-off bits of hair atop his unknowing body and then scurry out of that house with every last bit of your valuables in hand. A Beard whose actions and words so belie his outward appearance is quite clearly the scummiest man alive, and we at SABM are convinced that you must not spend another minute in his wretched company.