Snag-enablers October 27, 2008Posted by ladywuggles in Uncategorized.
So, Single Initiate! You have finally come to the startling realization that you are not quite sure how to approach a prospective Beard – or worse, you simply cannot find an appropriately available and luscious Beard to snag. Enter the trusty, all-knowing Snag-enabler! These crafty little women (and they are always women, mind you) with sharp eyes and even sharper tongues are all too eager to guide a fresh lass through the endless maze that is the Snag-quest – with fascinating and sometimes alarming results.
It begins with a seemingly innocuous question, a gently persistent, “why, how old are you, dear?” whilst you sit by in the masjid or traipse about at a $20,000 desi bridal extravaganza or glide discreetly to and fro the lobby at an Islamic conference minding your own pretty business. Before long, the questions escalate into “and why aren’t you married yet, poor soul?” and if by then you do not realize you really are in deep trouble and must locate your beloved mother immediately, we at SABM cannot be of much help to you. But despair not, Single Initiate, for all is not lost. Rest assured that even you can learn to avoid the many risks associated with sly Snag-enablers whilst shamelessly enjoying the Bearded fruits of their gleamy-eyed searching.
First, you must learn to lower your expectations. If Snag-enabler tells you she has “a nice boy for you”, chances are the dear fellow’s only been convicted of drug possession twice. If Snag-enabler winks that he’s a looker too, be profoundly thankful that his round, rubbery face is graced with a full set of (admittedly yellow) teeth. And if – we hesitate to say this, for it is so repulsive to our minds – if she insists he has religious potential, chances are he has nary a sprout of facial beard to show at all!
On this note, we at SABM generously offer yet another piece of advice: You must learn every gory detail you can about your interfering Snag-enabler so that you are better able to comprehend the strange and unusual choices she makes. If she prays twice a year on Eid, ‘religious’ to her is the Beardless who does likewise. If she is older than your already tottering parents, you should not be at all surprised that she has more grotesque tastes than they do – and even poorer eyesight to boot! If she is disliked by most, it is highly likely that she will recommend every male misfit and social outcast who finds solace in her wretched company. And if, God forbid, she is your age and so very selflessly recommending another man to you, then you must not hesitate to inquire in a very kind but direct way as to why she would not marry this man – near-perfect as she claims he is – herself. If she hasn’t a good answer – and we at SABM have found Snag-Enablers our age rarely do – then we are terribly sorry to reveal to you that she despises you with a red-hot passion and, out of envy that you are so charmingly single and ripe for the picking, is all too eager to marry you off as quickly as possible to the most repulsive Beardless she encounters.