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Beard Networks November 13, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.
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It has been our study here, at SABM, that being a part of a “beard network” is often one of the most effective methods of snagging.

Prior to moving forward, let us define what beard networks are. Firstly, beards are defined as “the growth of hair on the face of an adult man, often including a moustache.” Secondly, a human network is defined as “an extended group of people with similar interests or concerns who interact and remain in informal contact for mutual assistance or support.”

Now imagine a beautiful lush valley full of Beards, roaming around with beautiful glistening chin hair and long flowing thobes reaching their hairy ankles. Their sandals flip and flop as they walk around with a slightly hunched pious stature, pondering on God’s creations like little bunnies, rainbows, bees, and sunbeams. What a lovely sight. But without networks, these Beards may simply roam about in a random and confused fashion, like sheep waiting to be chosen for the slaughter. What they need to do, is become a part of the Beard Network.

By Beard Networks, we at SABM are referring to something akin to a Beard Grapevine. When a group of people (Beards) come together to achieve similar goals (to snag a wifey), it can be extremely useful and effective. When one Beard gets married, he suddenly has access to all of his beloved wifey’s unmarried friends. So, all unmarried Beards in his vicinity need to cozy up to this married friend by bringing him food such as samosas or fried chicken, by washing his car, or by shoveling his driveway. This way, when wifey mentions one of her unmarried friends, Beard would say: “well, I do have a bearded friend who has dropped off several cases of samosas over the last few months…”

And viola! Bearded male has thus entered the Beard Network. And we at SABM sincerely hope that the Beards who are lucky enough to become a part of this network, are worthy of snagging our female friends.

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Comments»

1. lady wuggles - November 20, 2008

“Now imagine a beautiful lush valley full of Beards, roaming around with beautiful glistening chin hair and long flowing thobes reaching their hairy ankles. Their sandals flip and flop as they walk around with a slightly hunched pious stature…”

Lady Wuggles believes a long flowing thobe and sandals do not become the civilized Beard.

2. Beardi - November 26, 2008

Salaam

How is a Beardi supposed to know if a Niqabi is:

1) religious?
2) decent looking?
3) single?
4) not a mirage?

without breaking hearts.

3. Um Omar - December 2, 2008

Mubarak on the Brass Crescent nomination! I voted!

4. mummyjaan - December 6, 2008

“So, all unmarried Beards in his vicinity need to cozy up to this married friend by bringing him food such as samosas or fried chicken, by washing his car, or by shoveling his driveway. This way, when wifey mentions one of her unmarried friends, Beard would say: “well, I do have a bearded friend who has dropped off several cases of samosas over the last few months…””

Hilarious!

5. Jawed Iqbal - December 7, 2008

Interesting…no wonder you guys (or gals i should say) have been nominated for BC awards. But I have to say, that I am still waiting for a beard-snagger to show any interest in my humble self, even though I have graced my face with the Sunnah of RasulAllah.

Maybe you could direct me to this “Beard Network”, because it seems to me that most Muslimahs prefer the Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves types.

6. Safi - December 14, 2008

Assalamu alaikum,

The Beard Network, as defined in this post, is given too much credit…
Statistically speaking, Beardys rarely snag Hijabis by way of said “Beard Network”.

Now mind you, many attempts are made, however, the reality is, married freinds don’t do a good job of getting unmarried friends snagged.

So my advice to SABM and other Hijabis (who sometimes morph into Ninjabis) seeking Beautiful Beardys (may Allah accept me as one of them):
Do not put all your effort & dreams in hoping a Beautiful Beardy will join your friendly neighborhood Beard Network. Diversify your options and pray that Allah guide you to the path of pleasurably snuggling with a Beautiful Beardy.

And Allah Knows Best

7. Abu Ibn Hisbeardness - December 16, 2008

SABMs – you forgot the obvious route. All Berdos have 3 more slots when they marry one of you. So – the simplest route to snag a beardo is to form into groups of 4 – keeping in mind that you’re not related (diversity in other ways also helps here). Then – when one of you snags a beardo (she can sweeten the pot by mentioning her 3 co-conspirators), viola!! The dearth of beardos problem is solved!


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