Beard Networks

It has been our study here, at SABM, that being a part of a “beard network” is often one of the most effective methods of snagging.

Prior to moving forward, let us define what beard networks are. Firstly, beards are defined as “the growth of hair on the face of an adult man, often including a moustache.” Secondly, a human network is defined as “an extended group of people with similar interests or concerns who interact and remain in informal contact for mutual assistance or support.”

Now imagine a beautiful lush valley full of Beards, roaming around with beautiful glistening chin hair and long flowing thobes reaching their hairy ankles. Their sandals flip and flop as they walk around with a slightly hunched pious stature, pondering on God’s creations like little bunnies, rainbows, bees, and sunbeams. What a lovely sight. But without networks, these Beards may simply roam about in a random and confused fashion, like sheep waiting to be chosen for the slaughter. What they need to do, is become a part of the Beard Network.

By Beard Networks, we at SABM are referring to something akin to a Beard Grapevine. When a group of people (Beards) come together to achieve similar goals (to snag a wifey), it can be extremely useful and effective. When one Beard gets married, he suddenly has access to all of his beloved wifey’s unmarried friends. So, all unmarried Beards in his vicinity need to cozy up to this married friend by bringing him food such as samosas or fried chicken, by washing his car, or by shoveling his driveway. This way, when wifey mentions one of her unmarried friends, Beard would say: “well, I do have a bearded friend who has dropped off several cases of samosas over the last few months…”

And viola! Bearded male has thus entered the Beard Network. And we at SABM sincerely hope that the Beards who are lucky enough to become a part of this network, are worthy of snagging our female friends.