Solution to Asian Beardlessness December 15, 2008
Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.trackback
Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I am of Asian origin and cannot grow a beard. Does this make me unattractive to hijabis?
Beard-challenged in Bangkok
Dear Beard-challenged,
We at SABM offer our deepest condolences that you cannot sprout a bush of your own. You are of course not to be faulted; it is as if you were born without an essential body part of some sort. Nevertheless, we are charged with the very weighty responsibility of forthrightness, and so our sensitivity to your unfortunate circumstances should not serve to hide the reality that Hijabis lust over Beards – even Hijabis with sequined headscarves and jingling jewellery and midnight blue eye shadow. You could of course seek to excel in other areas to make up for your terrible deficiency. If you were to pray in slow motion fifteen times a day rather than a paltry five, you might make the cut. In the circumstance that you are unable to be so pious – and shame on you, Beardless sir! – we would strongly recommend you consider an appendage that will aid you in your snagging. These crafty little paste-on beards really are your best bet — they look so real they are guaranteed to make every girl within the vicinity recite astaghfir allah a hundred times:
How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days 
Only a Hijabi in a delirious state (induced by a overwhelming lack of Beardys in her life – be they fathers, uncles, or brothers ) could make such a suggestion.
A man whom Allah has tested (out of his infinite wisdom) with a sparse chin should never resort to the shameful cop-out known as the paste-on beard.
Alhamdulillah I have been saved from such an affliction, but indeed those who are afflicted with such a predicament (and I have come across a few), Allah will reward them their due, insha Allah.
More than a month passes and this is all we get? A paragraph on men who can’t grow beards and fake hijaabis? Psssh! Can you please try to make the message a little more subtle so I can at least appreciate the work you’re trying to put into this?
kthnx!
Siraaj
HAH!!! you call that random excuse of a paste on a replacement for a REAL beard? pfft. Wheres the scruffiness? the few curly hair on the sides and on the neck? Wheres the few tangled hair which always escape the brush or comb? Is this what beardlessness has come to? How shameful! And whats the point of that finely defined curve along the cheek? Thats just pure fakeness! You need genuine paste ons-u need genuine beardos modeling for these paste on makers. I’d suggest you realing your beard priorities-it seems like your standards are falling. I’m a beardo – hear me roar 😛 (Assalaam’aalaikum)
To the brother in Bangkok-may allah grant you patience and perseverence (eat lots of eggs, biryani and lamb meat and apply olive oil generously)
Wa’assalaam (meek greeting thrown in for the ‘pious effect’)
HAH!!! you call that random excuse of a paste on a replacement for a REAL beard? pfft. Wheres the scruffiness? the few curly hair on the sides and on the neck? Wheres the few tangled hair which always escape the brush or comb? Is this what beardlessness has come to? How shameful! And whats the point of that finely defined curve along the cheek? Thats just pure fakeness! You need genuine paste ons-u need genuine beardos modeling for these paste on makers. I’d suggest you realign your beard priorities-it seems like your standards are falling. I’m a beardo – hear me roar 😛 (Assalaam’aalaikum)
To the brother in Bangkok-may allah grant you patience and perseverence (eat lots of eggs, biryani and lamb meat and apply olive oil generously)
Wa’assalaam (meek greeting thrown in for the ‘pious effect’)
Safi: We are indeed delirious. However, we at SABM have experimented with paste-on beards ourselves and discovered, to our utmost surprise and delight, that they work quite well, rendering us male in a matter of seconds. It is for this reason that we would recommend them to Asians. It would certainly help in the courting process, and may in fact advance an Asian to the point of the wedding, that is, until the paste-on Beard is discovered on the wedding night, at which point it is often too late for the poor unwitting female to reconsider, and she most often simply resigns herself to living out her life with a round, doughy baby face beside her.
Siraaj: From the avatar, it is evident that you have been blessed with a Beard of your own, which you display quite, well, proudly. Though we are now swooning over the lushness of your bush, perhaps you are not the best Beard to speak of subtlety?
Abu Ibn Hisbeardness: Indeed the Beard looks somewhat too groomed to be true. Please send us some genuine Beard photos and we would be happy to feature them on this site:)
But I’m not TRYING to be subtle, and I thought you were? Oh well. Keep on keepin’ on.
Siraaj
@ snagabeardedmozlem
no way!!! why you perv!!! you just want some pin ups-how lecharous of you. I’m far too much full of (pretend) humility to allow you to post up my beard pics-let alone view them while being unrelated to me (guard your gaze too, sistah).
besides-we dont want evil eyes on my beard and la qaddar allah i need to use one of them paste-ons to keep up the charade.
Wa’assalaam
AIH
Google ‘Rogaine’
hello….may i know where are you people (Snagabeardedmozlem) based?
i hate monkey beards. Have you seen how people look with their taches shaved and have a beard – a guy can look like a bearded monkey. Horrible uttely.
Simple: you lack in-depth knowledge of reality; hence, you focus on idiocies like the physical appearance of the human male and the female psychosocial reactions to that graphic input (which in itself is highly conditioned by the ever-changing collective paradigm of the era, anyway).
My body hasn’t decided to grow a beard, but it developed quite well in more important and transcendental areas. Besides, if you have hard-rock abs and a cute face, women will think of you as even more beautiful than them, making them subject to your sexual will. Combine that with a thick and large penis, high sensitivity for feminine sexual response and knowledge of tantric sex, and you won’t have to worry about neither low sexual interaction, nor a limited selection of female partners.
So fuck you, Mr Fake Beard Salesperson. I was causing multiple orgasms with my clean-cut jaw while you were typing this childish post and laughing at your own illusion of competence – as expected of a pathetically ignorant, new-age-homosexual-hipster-looking, empty-headed, pimple-covering nerd like yourself.
P.S.: I wrote this in less than 5 minutes and now I’m off to practice a progressive metal song I’m working on (I hope you can at least play a musical instrument and compose, as it could be considered a large impediment to many intellectual women, you know?). Thus, don’t expect me to ever see the poor excuse of a reply that you may be thinking about writing. I kinda just flipped you off and kept walking, so just take it like the unshaved-pussy-looking bitch that you are.
Cheers matey! ^^
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