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Solution to Asian Beardlessness December 15, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.
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Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I am of Asian origin and cannot grow a beard. Does this make me unattractive to hijabis?
Beard-challenged in Bangkok

Dear Beard-challenged,
We at SABM offer our deepest condolences that you cannot sprout a bush of your own. You are of course not to be faulted; it is as if you were born without an essential body part of some sort. Nevertheless, we are charged with the very weighty responsibility of forthrightness, and so our sensitivity to your unfortunate circumstances should not serve to hide the reality that Hijabis lust over Beards – even Hijabis with sequined headscarves and jingling jewellery and midnight blue eye shadow. You could of course seek to excel in other areas to make up for your terrible deficiency. If you were to pray in slow motion fifteen times a day rather than a paltry five, you might make the cut. In the circumstance that you are unable to be so pious – and shame on you, Beardless sir! – we would strongly recommend you consider an appendage that will aid you in your snagging. These crafty little paste-on beards really are your best bet — they look so real they are guaranteed to make every girl within the vicinity recite astaghfir allah a hundred times:

beard1
beard2

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Comments»

1. Safi - December 15, 2008

Only a Hijabi in a delirious state (induced by a overwhelming lack of Beardys in her life – be they fathers, uncles, or brothers ) could make such a suggestion.

A man whom Allah has tested (out of his infinite wisdom) with a sparse chin should never resort to the shameful cop-out known as the paste-on beard.

Alhamdulillah I have been saved from such an affliction, but indeed those who are afflicted with such a predicament (and I have come across a few), Allah will reward them their due, insha Allah.

2. Siraaj Muhammad - December 16, 2008

Dear Beard-challenged,
We at SABM offer our deepest condolences that you cannot sprout a bush of your own. You are of course not to be faulted; it is as if you were born without an essential body part of some sort. Nevertheless, we are charged with the very weighty responsibility of forthrightness, and so our sensitivity to your unfortunate circumstances should not serve to hide the reality that Hijabis lust over Beards – even Hijabis with sequined headscarves and jingling jewellery and midnight blue eye shadow. You could of course seek to excel in other areas to make up for your terrible deficiency. If you were to pray in slow motion fifteen times a day rather than a paltry five, you might make the cut. In the circumstance that you are unable to be so pious – and shame on you, Beardless sir! – we would strongly recommend you consider an appendage that will aid you in your snagging. These crafty little paste-on beards really are your best bet — they look so real they are guaranteed to make every girl within the vicinity recite astaghfir allah a hundred times:

More than a month passes and this is all we get? A paragraph on men who can’t grow beards and fake hijaabis? Psssh! Can you please try to make the message a little more subtle so I can at least appreciate the work you’re trying to put into this?

kthnx!

Siraaj

3. Abu Ibn Hisbeardness - December 16, 2008

HAH!!! you call that random excuse of a paste on a replacement for a REAL beard? pfft. Wheres the scruffiness? the few curly hair on the sides and on the neck? Wheres the few tangled hair which always escape the brush or comb? Is this what beardlessness has come to? How shameful! And whats the point of that finely defined curve along the cheek? Thats just pure fakeness! You need genuine paste ons-u need genuine beardos modeling for these paste on makers. I’d suggest you realing your beard priorities-it seems like your standards are falling. I’m a beardo – hear me roar :P (Assalaam’aalaikum)

To the brother in Bangkok-may allah grant you patience and perseverence (eat lots of eggs, biryani and lamb meat and apply olive oil generously)

Wa’assalaam (meek greeting thrown in for the ‘pious effect’)

4. Abu Ibn Hisbeardness - December 16, 2008

HAH!!! you call that random excuse of a paste on a replacement for a REAL beard? pfft. Wheres the scruffiness? the few curly hair on the sides and on the neck? Wheres the few tangled hair which always escape the brush or comb? Is this what beardlessness has come to? How shameful! And whats the point of that finely defined curve along the cheek? Thats just pure fakeness! You need genuine paste ons-u need genuine beardos modeling for these paste on makers. I’d suggest you realign your beard priorities-it seems like your standards are falling. I’m a beardo – hear me roar :P (Assalaam’aalaikum)

To the brother in Bangkok-may allah grant you patience and perseverence (eat lots of eggs, biryani and lamb meat and apply olive oil generously)

Wa’assalaam (meek greeting thrown in for the ‘pious effect’)

5. snagabeardedmozlem - December 16, 2008

Safi: We are indeed delirious. However, we at SABM have experimented with paste-on beards ourselves and discovered, to our utmost surprise and delight, that they work quite well, rendering us male in a matter of seconds. It is for this reason that we would recommend them to Asians. It would certainly help in the courting process, and may in fact advance an Asian to the point of the wedding, that is, until the paste-on Beard is discovered on the wedding night, at which point it is often too late for the poor unwitting female to reconsider, and she most often simply resigns herself to living out her life with a round, doughy baby face beside her.

Siraaj: From the avatar, it is evident that you have been blessed with a Beard of your own, which you display quite, well, proudly. Though we are now swooning over the lushness of your bush, perhaps you are not the best Beard to speak of subtlety?

Abu Ibn Hisbeardness: Indeed the Beard looks somewhat too groomed to be true. Please send us some genuine Beard photos and we would be happy to feature them on this site:)

6. Siraaj Muhammad - December 17, 2008

On a more serious level, we are, via this blog, consciously inviting readers to reconsider internalized cultural and religious mores concerning gender and marriage. In this post, for example, we take much of the common advice offered on various fatwa-related sites to Muslim women concerning their husbands and turn the advice on itself by directing it towards men.

But I’m not TRYING to be subtle, and I thought you were? Oh well. Keep on keepin’ on.

Siraaj

7. Abu Ibn Hisbeardness - December 21, 2008

@ snagabeardedmozlem

no way!!! why you perv!!! you just want some pin ups-how lecharous of you. I’m far too much full of (pretend) humility to allow you to post up my beard pics-let alone view them while being unrelated to me (guard your gaze too, sistah).

besides-we dont want evil eyes on my beard and la qaddar allah i need to use one of them paste-ons to keep up the charade.

Wa’assalaam

AIH

8. Beardi - February 4, 2009

Google ‘Rogaine’

9. rashid - August 4, 2009

hello….may i know where are you people (Snagabeardedmozlem) based?

10. Sabina - October 13, 2009

i hate monkey beards. Have you seen how people look with their taches shaved and have a beard – a guy can look like a bearded monkey. Horrible uttely.


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