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The Anatomy of a Beard April 7, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.

Exhibit A: Head Gear
It is highly recommended for Beard’s image that he dons a kufi. This serves many purposes, including adding to his overall look of modesty, and covering that dreaded area where his hair has begun “thinning” at the age of 25 (i.e. the bald spot).

Exhibit B: Glasses
Although not an absolute necessity, glasses add a certain refined and elegant look to the face of a Beard. They denote higher thinking and studiousness. Since intellect is a valued quality a Hijab would look for in a prospective mate, it is an advisable accessory.

Exhibit C: Facial Expression
Every Beard must have a happy and satisfied expression on his face. Despite the popular belief that Beards have to be expressionless drones whose eyes are consistently cast to the ground, there is nothing even slightly attractive about looking like a miserable hairy man. Smiles (that have been cared for by a loving miswak) are imperative.

Exhibit D: The Beard
There is nothing more important in the anatomy of a Beard, than his beard. Now, various theories have been put forth as to which size, shape, and colour are best suited for chin-hair growth. However, it is our belief at Snag a Bearded Mozlem, that one must be fairly open minded. Triangular-shaped beards may be suited to some faces, while square shaped beards that jut out are suited for others. On that note, it is also our strong belief that scraggly beards growing in all possible directions, not conforming with the rules of gravity, are much too wild. Beard, we know you love your beard, but please, do not let it completely take over your face.

Exhibit E: Religious Item
It is essential for a complete image of a Beard to have in hand a tasbeeh and/or other items denoting religiousity. Such items may include but are not limited to a Quran, a bottle of musk, a plain gray bag full of raw halal meat, or samosas.

Exhibit F: The Thobe
Also called “galabiya” by locals, this item of clothing is an indispensable piece of the puzzle that is a Beard (note that said puzzle is only made up of around 7 pieces, depending on your school of thought). To achieve a truly devout exterior, this item of clothing must be hemmed at the Beard’s ankles or slightly higher, giving off the distinct impression that he is preparing for a flood. The thobe should preferably be made such that it shows off a bit of hairy man leg. Toes and feet should also be faintly hairy.

Exhibit G: Sandals
The poor Beard has often been seen strutting around in socks and sandals. Our hearts sympathize with these sometimes dull creatures. However, sandals in and of themselves are quite valuable in the persona of a Beard. It gives off the pious impression that he is always on his way to performing ablution.

And thus is a rough summary of a Beard’s anatomy, from head to toe.



1. ladywuggles - April 7, 2008

Lady Wuggles dislikes this Bearded’s anatomy and would likely turn away in abject disgust and horror if some such Bearded walked by her. Lady Wuggles would venture to suggest that she prefers The Metrosexual Bearded herself.

2. ilanaislam.e - April 11, 2008

*chuckles* mashAllah you’re funny.

3. kfjlsdfk;sa - August 6, 2008


4. RandomDudette - September 10, 2008

Stop stalking my husband!!!!!!!
*Grabs my Beard and shields him from your coldly microscopic analysis*

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