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Will Beardless become Beard? August 20, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

At SABM, our newfound fame has led to an outpouring of the most delightful inquiries imaginable. Here is one such gem below:

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I really like your blog. You seem like an expert on beards, so I thought I’d ask you a question. I am talking to a guy right now that my parents approve of. But he doesn’t have a beard. What do I do? Should I hope he’ll change after marriage?
Confused in Chicago

First, we at SABM are not quite sure how you might have found yourself drawn to a girly-faced fellow without a beard. Was it the soft skin on his throat? Perhaps the ultra-feminine pouty bottom lip that is now so very obvious without the shag? We are sad that you have resigned yourself to this Beardless, for it must be painfully obvious to you by now that these emasculated faces without beards have the disturbingly strange appearances of women. Pretty women, mind you, but women nonetheless.

But back to your query. Let us gently pose a question to you, dear Confused. If the black carpet on the chin is so very important to you, and if you are of a natural and sane conviction that the beard represents a tremendously long degree of commitment to faith, then why – really, why, dear Confused – would you leave such an important matter up to chance? Imagine you were a Beard who was possessed with the sudden and urgent need to get hitched – this is quite usual, we are told, amongst that fickle breed we call Boogers. But imagine for a minute that you were a serious Beard. A serious Beard who was convinced the hijab was the most glorious and noble piece of fabric in the universe since women’s curvalicious bodies were invented – would you seriously consider a woman who pranced about wantonly without it? Please reassure us you would not – we are Single Hijabis after all.

Consider that Beardless, after marriage, could well resist any of your nagging wifely attempts to transform him. After all, as we are so fond of saying in the West, he has already ‘got the girl’ – quite easily, in fact. So work on him now. Beguile him with your feminine wiles – the Hijabi way, of course. If he blushes at your request and willingly dons a few stripes of hair for your sake, then yes, there’s a likelihood he’ll keep it on after marriage. But if he refuses now, Beardless isn’t going to change his stubborn mind anytime soon. So ditch him. The world is a big place, and if you search long and hard enough, we assure you that you will likely find yourself the perfect four-leaf clover – er, Beard – to suit your select pleasures.



1. unbearded male - August 20, 2008

I find this a bit harsh on my kind. What if I am unable to grow a proper beard, and can only grow one in unseemly patches? (leading me to look like a bad mow job)…

2. spout - August 21, 2008

superficialities are never good, look into this mans heart and find a pure and sincere heart. dark hearts are possessed by the bearded and nonbearded alike. but be prepared to accept him as who he is.

3. Dreaming of Beards - August 22, 2008

There is nothing superficial about beards. The growth of one symbolizes the increase in hotness as well as a bright heart with no darkness in it. The growth of hair out of a person’s hair follicles causes the growth of goodness in his heart.

Feel free to disagree, but that is our theory here at SABM.

4. anon - August 26, 2008

you really need a new hobby…

5. Dreaming of Beards - August 30, 2008

I see “Anon” is getting a bit jealous of our expertise on the matter.

6. snagabeardedmozlem - December 16, 2008

Unbearded: The answer to your question, here.

7. Fo-c - June 22, 2009

This is too funny! But true.. Real men have beards!

8. Beardie - November 17, 2009

I have maintained a proper beard ever since I was able to grow one. I love proper traditional hijabis and am ready to court and marry. Is there anyone here who would like to talk?

9. Hajiba - November 17, 2009

That was my brother who wrote. I sometimes wish he weren’t my brother because he is so attractive I would almost have wanted him myself. I am looking for someone like that for myself! I am pretty (I am told) and a true wearer of hajib. I began wearing hajib about the time my brother began wearing the beard. We made these decisions ourselves and let our parents set the example by starting first and having us follow. I am traditional and this is as far as I will go in trying to snag a Beard. From here on any interested Beard will have to snag me – with my fathers permission of course. Once I am married I will be as true and obedient a wife as any husband could wish, in the full sense of that word!

10. Hijaba - November 17, 2009

Sorry I am a bad speller – my brother has pointed out that it should be “hijab”. But we both want to be married as soon as possible. I want to start having babies immediately as well. And I will subject myself to the rule and law of my husband, or submit to his discipline as a good wife should. I have proven this with my decision to submit to my own father’s wishes and will, and this will continue with my husband when I am handed over to him. I am in a hurry, because I am already old enough to be bearing children. And if anyone is interested in my brother, the Beard, just let me know, so you do not have to contact him directly, and I will pass the information along to him so he can contact your father.

11. dreamingofbeards - November 28, 2009

“Hajib”? Really? Who do you think you are – Obama? Psht.

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