Will Beardless become Beard?

At SABM, our newfound fame has led to an outpouring of the most delightful inquiries imaginable. Here is one such gem below:

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I really like your blog. You seem like an expert on beards, so I thought I’d ask you a question. I am talking to a guy right now that my parents approve of. But he doesn’t have a beard. What do I do? Should I hope he’ll change after marriage?
Confused in Chicago

First, we at SABM are not quite sure how you might have found yourself drawn to a girly-faced fellow without a beard. Was it the soft skin on his throat? Perhaps the ultra-feminine pouty bottom lip that is now so very obvious without the shag? We are sad that you have resigned yourself to this Beardless, for it must be painfully obvious to you by now that these emasculated faces without beards have the disturbingly strange appearances of women. Pretty women, mind you, but women nonetheless.

But back to your query. Let us gently pose a question to you, dear Confused. If the black carpet on the chin is so very important to you, and if you are of a natural and sane conviction that the beard represents a tremendously long degree of commitment to faith, then why – really, why, dear Confused – would you leave such an important matter up to chance? Imagine you were a Beard who was possessed with the sudden and urgent need to get hitched – this is quite usual, we are told, amongst that fickle breed we call Boogers. But imagine for a minute that you were a serious Beard. A serious Beard who was convinced the hijab was the most glorious and noble piece of fabric in the universe since women’s curvalicious bodies were invented – would you seriously consider a woman who pranced about wantonly without it? Please reassure us you would not – we are Single Hijabis after all.

Consider that Beardless, after marriage, could well resist any of your nagging wifely attempts to transform him. After all, as we are so fond of saying in the West, he has already ‘got the girl’ – quite easily, in fact. So work on him now. Beguile him with your feminine wiles – the Hijabi way, of course. If he blushes at your request and willingly dons a few stripes of hair for your sake, then yes, there’s a likelihood he’ll keep it on after marriage. But if he refuses now, Beardless isn’t going to change his stubborn mind anytime soon. So ditch him. The world is a big place, and if you search long and hard enough, we assure you that you will likely find yourself the perfect four-leaf clover – er, Beard – to suit your select pleasures.