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On Lustful Gazes September 12, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.
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Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I have a predicament to bring to your attention. My wife and I have been married for two years now. She is a Hijabi, and I am happy with her in most ways, but she has a serious problem. She can’t stop looking at other bearded men even though we’re married. I have told her to stop doing so, but it seems she cannot help it. Just today I was sitting outside on the patio sipping lattes with her when I looked up to catch her ogling a man with a beard. He wasn’t even all that handsome, but he had a hefty black beard. I don’t have a beard and this is really hurting my pride to the point that I am starting to resent her. Why can’t I just have a normal wife?
Jealous in Jameston

Dear Jealous,

First, we would like to humbly thank you for entrusting us with this very serious question. Your braveness is commendable, given that you are after all an unabashed Beardless and unfortunately for you, we have a strong and glaringly obvious bias against you, as this entire blog attests. But let us take a moment to express how very woefully sorry we are to hear of your sad predicament. You poor, poor Beardless! Your wife is terribly wrong to gaze with uninhibited lust upon the shiny blackness of another’s chin – especially in your presence! Alas, that lustful kohl-lined gaze is all too common amongst increasingly desperate Hijabis who discover they haven’t been blessed with a desirable Beard – or in your wife’s case, any Beard at all – to complete their hairless lives, and we cannot help but sympathize with her shameless ogling. You must understand that in a society in which Beards are so scarce, a woman cannot help but drool at the sight of a strappingly healthy Beard. You must decide if you can live with this reality. You may suspect that you cannot, but remember that the Quran suggests that perchance there may be good in your endlessly leering wife that you have yet to recognize and properly appreciate.

Do keep counselling her to lower that potently attractive gaze. In the meantime, dear Jealous, might we kindly suggest that you grow a luscious beard of your own? It is often thought that devout women must adorn themselves for their desiring husbands’ pleasure, but we at SABM believe the opposite is true too, and frankly your wife’s reckless behaviour indicates you are failing miserably in this regard. We strongly suggest you begin growing a beard today. If you are a Mozlem, and it is clear that you are, you should have little difficulty becoming full-bearded and handsome – all this would require is throwing away that trusty razor and revelling in the delightful roughness of your unshaven face for a few days before the stubble pokes out sufficiently to be called Beard. Yes, there is the oiling and the combing and the maintaining of that fine mane, but we are confident that when your Hijabi is properly satisfied with your beardified self, her boldly straying eye will be immediately quelled.

In the meantime, we would advise you to make repeated dua not just that God endows you with sufficient hairiness to return your wife’s gaze to your chin, but also that you are able to exercise due patience with the circumstances in which you now find yourself. Though the pious womenfolk are permitted to only glance at the bearded parts once – and fleetingly – many women who have been deprived of Beards all their lives find it impossible to look away. In other words, you should take some comfort in the knowledge that this is very common and indeed normal behaviour on the part of your helplessly goggle-eyed mate.

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Comments»

1. srtuba - September 18, 2008

Omigod, that is HILARIOUS! Is this letter for real or did you make it up?? I am soo subscribing to this blog. Keep up the good work, SABM!
🙂

2. AnonyMouse - September 18, 2008

You know what’s even funnier? The automatically generated “possibly related posts” – the one I’m currently viewing is “My Beard Hero Part 3”!
This is way too awesome 😀

3. Ascense - September 28, 2008

LMAO, this made my night…


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