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Bearded Wife? November 6, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I must admit something embarrassing to you: my dear wife is growing a beard. I admit I have not paid much attention to her in the past several months, but this morning, in an attempt to win back my affections, she leaned over my shoulder as I read the morning paper, and that was when I felt some sharp needle-like objects boring into me. I turned my head and discovered over a dozen hairs gracing her fine chin. Any suggestions on how to broach this subject with her? I don’t want to upset her, but I also don’t want to be in competition with her – I want to have the bigger beard!
Competing in Connecticut

Dear Competing,

We at SABM are quite sorry to hear of your predicament. Beards of the male variety really are the best kind. However, some Mozlem women do have a thriving abundance of facial hair, and though we do not recommend you saunter about telling each one what to do, you are more than welcome to speak to your own wife about this hairy predicament.

Do keep in mind the following, however. Your wife must have grown that beard because you were not paying adequate attention to her. In fact, this is likely a stiff and challenging test she’s put to you to see if you are able to notice anything new about her. Women with beards learn how to hide that hairy reality from their innocent husbands – that your wife has not done so suggests that she is hopeless of regaining your loving attention and sadly has little or no expectation of you noticing her prickliness. She has thus been pushed to behave rebelliously, committing nushuz and usurping your male dominance and power in the process. Make no mistake: this is entirely your fault, and your wife is surely hoping beyond all hope that you will wrest control away from her by vocally critiquing her newest facial fuzzies, thus ending the dreadful cycle of inattention in this near-dysfunctional relationship.

So what are you to do? Commenting on the recently acquired stubble will likely send your wife into a confused paroxysm of tears. On the one hand, she will be pleased that you have taken note of her. On the other, she will be infuriated that you have only noticed her under very hairy and unpleasant circumstances.

The solution then is to woo your abandoned wife for at least a month. While you shower her with kindness and shiny rings of immeasurable value, mention nothing of the beard. Of course, this will mean that unless she has already generously chosen to forgive you, thus removing those hideous strands, you will likely have to quietly endure the steady growth of those sprouts into a full-blown raging beard as you engage in the very tedious process of winning your wife back. Once the relationship is back on track, it is time for you to mention the beard. Your wife will love you so much at this point that anything negative you say will simply be stored up in the dark and cavernous recesses of her crafty mind until you have upset her sufficiently enough for her to cleverly regurgitate it all again.

Of course, we at SABM wish you the very best of success.



1. hairy woman - November 7, 2008

I can’t quite put into terms how brilliant this is. Any bearded woman would be privileged to read such truth.

2. maski - November 27, 2008

i want the women with hairy legs and beard gairy

3. souvenirsandscars - December 4, 2008

LOL! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! (and practically every other post…)
Just thought I’d share: “I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.” – Janette Barber
So maybe Competing’s wife came across the above quote?
Even if, I still like your analysis better =D


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