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Manifesto

How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Easy Steps

1. It’s all about the greeting, yo. You want to hook Bearded Mozlem from the start? Your salaam’s gotta be gentle and sweet; melodious and little meek.

2. Bearded Mozlem’s heard the Siren and he’s lookin’ up now. In fact, he’s glancing right at you. Don’t just look back. Look back. This means you’ve gotta be real subtle. No strong come-ons warranted; Bearded Mozlem’ll turn up his nose at any girl he thinks is too loose. Just a quick flick of the eyelashes’ll do. Long enough for it to register with him subconsciously, at least, that Lovely Hijabi’s in the room.

3. Smile slightly. For the full seductive effect, be cautious about just how much you smile. Pearly whites must not be visible, gums even less so. The smile must be tentative, even demure. Practice in front of a mirror. 20 degrees angling upwards, not down. Anything more and you’re trying too hard.

4. You’ve got him captivated! Now the trick is to look away shyly. This’ll create the impression that Lovely Hijabi’s all modest and sweet. Bearded Mozlem’ll be so antsy at this point, he’ll be toying with the beads of his tasbeeh.

5. Here’s the trick! Ignore him once his eyes are on you. Pretend he ain’t there. This’ll drive him mad, because he’ll think you ain’t all that interested. Make sure you’re ready to stifle those mad giggles though, because he’ll try anything to snag your attention!

6. Ooh, he’s talking now, so switch tactics and listen as if he’s a god! In fact, you cock your head a bit to the side, and Bearded Mozlem will be hooked!

7. Time to throw the poor boy a treat – compliment him on his capabilities and intellectual prowess. Bearded Mozlem’s desperate to look good in the eyes of Lovely Hijabi, but beware: anything you say should be short and sweet. Don’t want to come on too strong, and can’t have you stealing the spotlight either. Save that act for your wedding day, sista!

8. On that note, don’t forget to call him ‘brotha’. This’ll turn him on beyond your wildest imagination. Say it with a touch of respect, and his beard’ll be dancing with glee.

9. Time to leave? But you ain’t done yet, girl! Put a bounce in your step, and if he’s right behind you, you swish that abayah to keep his attention. Chances are, he’ll be following you straight to your pa’s home.

10. If you ain’t managed to snag him yet, you’re a lost cause, sweetie. Or perhaps he’s already taken, and if so, no need for drama. You’ve got the skills, Lovely Hijabi. Go find yourself your own Bearded Mozlem ripe for the snagging!

Comments»

1. One - April 17, 2008

Salaams,

Interesting site. From the funny side it does tickle the bone but just a wee bit curious to know if people take this seriously?
I mean if sistas have tactics to snag a guy and/or think of it as a game i.e. ignore him while he’s on to you, throw him a treat, etc. ….
Then is not that all fake/a lie?!

I mean you’re not being true to the guy and you’re not showing the real you. Similarly it makes me feel the whole initiation of the relationship is based on tactics?!

Why can’t Muslims be true to who they are and really show the real person? I pose this question out to all the guys and gals out there as from personal experience I’ve witnessed this;
The gal acting all nice and being goody goody, helping/volunteering in your field of interest and showing that she shares similar interests, etc. But then when she realizes that the guy respects her like a sis and is not interested in her to ‘get snagged’ as you put it, then that person completely changes, stops being good and Islamic brotherhood/sisterhood goes out the window.

When I see this I ponder if I even knew the Real person or not. Was she really nice or just pretending to be to get what she wants. And the bottomline is ….. I really did not know the person at all, they are ‘lying’ (trying to show & present themselves as something they are not) to get what they want. That’s so selfish and fake ain’t it…not qualities I’d look for in my life partner

2. snagabeardedmozlem - August 5, 2008

We at SABM suspect that a certain One has been burned. Perhaps not once, not twice, but many, many times. We would like to extend our deepest sympathies to the One, but would kindly suggest he changes his name, for if he is genuinely seeking to find the One, he cannot be the One himself — or at least he cannot consider himself so.

3. Snag a Bearded Mozlem « How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days - August 19, 2008

[…] Manifesto jump to navigation […]

4. Will Beardless become Beard? « How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days - August 20, 2008

[…] Manifesto jump to navigation […]

5. mintymuslimah - September 12, 2008

Assalam alaykum,

these jokes are going too far.. what is the purpose of this blog? I’d like to know.

6. snagabeardedmozlem - September 13, 2008

Whether or not this blog has gone too far is a subjective matter. We at SABM do not believe it has.

As for our goals, we are really just a bunch of girls having a bit of fun and expending our creative energies via a readily available outlet. On a more serious level, we are, via this blog, consciously inviting readers to reconsider internalized cultural and religious mores concerning gender and marriage. In this post, for example, we take much of the common advice offered on various fatwa-related sites to Muslim women concerning their husbands and turn the advice on itself by directing it towards men.

7. mintymuslimah - September 13, 2008

Can you e-mail me please? So I can comment privately.

8. Pepe - September 16, 2008

lol pure gold. keep up the good work

9. happily-married bearded muslim - September 16, 2008

I am wondering if you are even Muslim. Don’t get me wrong, the blog is funny, but it’s a well-known rule among Muslims not to refer to others as “gods” (see #6 of your manifesto)

10. Umm Zaid - September 16, 2008

I am always overjoyed when Muslims do not fail to live up to my expectations of being far, far, far too serious.

11. Ayah - September 17, 2008

I second what Umm Zaid said. Sheesh, since when did Islam become the dreaded No-Fun Zone?
Anyway, fight the power ladies, this is great stuff.

12. mummyjaan - September 18, 2008

Where were you when I needed you??? Now I’m stuck with Cute-but-Beardless for life :p!

(I’ve been dropping hints about him growing a Beard for the last 5 years but to no avail. Any advice?)

13. HTSABM « A Disorganised Mind - September 20, 2008

[…] writing is beautiful and the manifesto is spot on and its sarcastic magnificence has led me to zip through every post in one morning.  […]

14. zooey - September 21, 2008

to mummyjaan
Have you considered trashing the razors?

Your razor darling? oh, I wonder where it’s gone… and the old one as well? did you perhaps drop it down the toilet? I really can’t think what must have happened to them. perhaps you can do without shaving today.

15. Your Mom - September 25, 2008

Wait till I come after y’all with my chappal.

16. Snowdrops - September 28, 2008

I think I rather like this. =D Keep it up. I love it when muslims know that humour exists in the world of islam.

17. bint battuta in bahrain: how to snag a bearded mozlem in 10 easy steps - October 1, 2008

[…] case any of the readers of this blog are interested in doing so, here are some of the suggestions:-It’s all about the greeting, yo. You want to hook Bearded Mozlem from the start? Your […]

18. Hungy Bearded Mozlem - November 25, 2008

Anyone have a “How to Snag a Lovely Hijabi in 10 Days” ?

19. Beardi - November 28, 2008

@18 HBM

That’s easy. All you gotta say is “Will you marry me?” and give her 240 hours to respond.

Here’s the hard part: Finding the right Woman to say it to.

20. Siraaj Muhammad - November 30, 2008

Hilarious blog, although it’s rather strange that three (seems like one writer with three names) single hijaabis are blogging about what they don’t yet have – is this site a front to draw scores of bearded men to comment on your site and then have your pick of bearded men worldwide, given their endangered status?

Enjoy the writing style, reminds me of a character in a Gordon Korman book who refers to everyone by last name (sometimes last name first, first initial last), by a classification, and to himself in 3rd person. Made me laugh then (in high school), makes me laugh now, keep it up!

Siraaj

21. avi - December 4, 2008

What if you snagged yourself an amazing Muslim man, got married to him, and are living your happily ever after?
Except he’s not bearded?
And you want him to be?
And he’s trying hard to be?
How do you get him to be steadfast?

22. mummyjaan - December 12, 2008

@ no. 14 zooey: sigh. Alas, the ‘lost the razors’ trick doesn’t work because it’s soooo easy to pop down to the nearest shop and buy new razors :(. I’m not even gonna try it.

Where’s Lady Wuggles anyway? I had high hopes that she would answer my query, but it looks like she has disappeared.

23. tarun - December 16, 2008

how can I meet a silver bearded Muslim? I love silver hair, I love the feeling all over. They call me gay, but I don’t believe it. This feeling is not always, not 24/7. Some times I think of other things also, like a sacred thread, or a man in suit, or a police uniform. But nothing compared to the silver furr. I would lik,e to know how to cruise a bearded silver one. Are there any match making sites on this?

24. Sammer Z. - February 28, 2009

Beards are everywhere nowadays…even the non Mozlem’s are doing it. Grey suits with beards…now there’s something worth batting an eyelash for 😉

25. mintymuslimah - March 12, 2009

Do consider carefully, whether you are falling into the following through this blog, Allah knows best:

“Mockery of the Religion is Disbelief”

From Shaykh Saleh Al-Fawzaan’s ‘Ten nullifiers of Islam’:

So then the group came apologizing once they heard that the Messenger had become aware of what happened in their gathering. One of them was hanging on to the front harness of the Prophet’s she-camel while he (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) was riding it, saying, “O Messenger of Allah! We were just talking loosely to help pass the time during the journey! We did not intend mockery, rather we only intended to joke.” The Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) would not even look at him, he only recited upon him this Verse:

“And if you were to ask them, they would say: ‘Surely we were
only jesting and playing.’ Say: ‘Was it Allah, His Verses,
or His Messenger you were mocking? Make no mistake,
verily you have disbelieved after your belief.’ ”

Notice His Statement, “Verily you have disbelieved after your belief.” This proves that before they had uttered words (of mockery) they were Muslims, and that when they uttered them they apostated from Islam, even though they were saying that it was a joke. This is because the affairs of the Religion are not to be played with, so Allah had declared them to be disbelievers after their faith. We ask Allah for safety.

This is also proof that whoever insults Allah, His Messenger, His Book, anything from the Quran, or anything from the Sunnah of the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) apostates from Islam, even if he was joking.

26. mintymuslimah - March 12, 2009

As for Muslims being humorous, my brother looks like the man in the latest post sans the misbah (its bid’ah), and we laugh till it hurts when he’s around, but they aren’t jokes about something that Allah and His Messenger have ordered or perscribed. Why tread on such dangerous grounds.. I’m not one to pass judgement and I could be wrong, but do read, ponder, think about it and ask Allah to guide you to what pleases Him, nothing is worth falling into sin or disbelief, or something you will regret on the Day of J, or even 10 years down the line.

27. skhan - May 5, 2009

aslmkm ya all sistah’s and brothas

Alhumdulillah i have a nice thick beard and am happily married. I have some bearded friends in N. America , India and the Gulf. Mail me if you wanna get introduced to fine muttaqi gentlemen.

and there are some who wouldnt mind taking a second wife (beard lover)

28. Essam - October 14, 2009

So this is pretty funny because I am a bearded Muslim and I KNOW that this would be enough to catch a brother’s attention. But I don’t think this is phrased or talked about it in shariah-compliant fashion at all, and I don’t even know if that is what you guys are looking for. First post I’ve read from this blog.

29. maverick007 - October 20, 2009

Essam, a lot of it was satire and light sarcasm.

30. news - June 5, 2012

I experimented with viewing your site on my iphone and the format doesnt seem to be correct. Might want to check it out on WAP as well as it seems most mobile phone layouts are not really working with your website.


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