jump to navigation

Beard Withdrawal Symptoms September 24, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.

Now, considering the beard-crazy nature of this blog and this group of women, it naturally follows that some ‘interesting’ encounters have occurred between them and Beards. The following is a simple example of the consequences faced when delving so deeply into the matter of Beardhood. Take into consideration that Beards are quite a rarity in this neighbourhood.

Picture two Hijabis sitting at a popular restaurant, conversing normally and chuckling to themselves…

Hijabi1 (henceforth H1): so then I told him he was being a jerk because he refused to grow a beard.

Hijabi2 (henceforth H2): who cares, girl? You’re better off without that skinny nerd anyways.

H1: yeah I guess you may have a point…

H2: believe me…(trails off and gets a glazed look in her eyes)

Bearded man walks in…

H2: (yells) BEARD!! (note the caps, which denotes frenzied excitement)

H1 swerves her head towards the door and gives H2 a look of puzzled horror.

H1: are you okay?

H2: (breathing speedily and flushed) yes I’m fine. I was just momentarily distracted. What were you saying?

H1: “momentarily distracted”? You screamed ‘Beard’ halfway across the room!!

H2: well it was a momentous and substantial event, I had to.

H1: I don’t know you!

Bearded man quickly leaves restaurant looking frightened. Poor boy.

What a sad ending to a misadventure of H2! We at SABM are advocates of beards. However, be wary of the above situation. Yelling out “beard!” to a man may not be in your best interests if you’d like to snag him.

Perhaps a little subtlety is in order.


Endangered Beard September 17, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.

We at SABM believe Beards to be an endangered species. Similar to the giant pandas of China, the tigers of India, and the elephants of Africa, Beards represent a dwindling population of males, under a real and apparent threat of extinction.

Naturally, we are sufficiently concerned about this grave situation our globe finds itself in. In addition to the slowly decreasing number of Beards, the more hairless our counterparts’ chins become, the more hair gets clogged in the sink and pollutes the oceans with floating hairballs.

Our Mission

Fear not, oh horrified ones. Our mission at SABM is the conservation of Beards! Using the best available scientific knowledge we will work to preserve the diversity and abundance of beard shape, size, and colour on Earth by:

1. Raising global awareness on the dangers of shaving, which include but are not limited to ingrown hair, a greenish tint to the skin, itching, razor cuts, and extreme ugliness.

2. Subsidizing Beards’ living expenses to reward them for maintaining their locks. This step is seen as extreme by some of our board members, but remember that Beards make our world a better-looking place, which in the majority opinion is irrevocably valuable.

3. Buying out all available razors in a region. In several days, that portion of the world will experience a hairy growth spurt, allowing them to see how brighter and easier living can be with the simplicity of beardism as a way of life. We will begin this in North America, slowly targeting areas with the baldest chins, then moving our way to South America, Europe, North and South Africa, and the Indian Subcontinent. We will not be pursuing this step in China.

Our Goal

By 2020, SABM will, God-willing, conserve 19% of one of the world’s most important natural features and significantly change the hairless perspectives of the currently deluded male population.

Bearded Monster September 16, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
A year ago, I married a Beard thinking he was decent and pious and kind. After marriage, I realized how wrong I was. He gets angry easily and hits me and calls me names. He also doesn’t pray, and even though it’s Ramadan, he only pretends to fast in front of other Muslims. How could I be so wrong about a Beard?
Disillusioned in Delaware

Dear Disillusioned,

You must know by now that not all Beards are good and virtuous beings; some – just a few, we’d like to think – cleverly conceal their evilest intentions behind those lustrously curly locks. Unfortunately, the immaculate state of your husband’s still handsome beard masks his obvious grotesqueness. He is a monster. And you, my dear, are a poor naive girl who must be schooled in the way of men. You are certainly ripe for the fooling!

Do you still sleep beside him? We hope you do not. But in the circumstance that you do – and being the innocently accepting woman that you are, we suspect you are guilty of this dastardly deed – our very sincere advice to you is to tiptoe out of bed, grab a sharpened shaver of some sort and ruthlessly ram it into his pride and joy while he rests. As he drools and snores and giggles, carefully shave off one side of his beautiful beard and not the other. He will of course be forced to remove the rest the next morning and will then henceforth be exposed – er, unbearded – as a fraud. After you have accomplished this deliciously mischievous deed, sprinkle the cut-off bits of hair atop his unknowing body and then scurry out of that house with every last bit of your valuables in hand. A Beard whose actions and words so belie his outward appearance is quite clearly the scummiest man alive, and we at SABM are convinced that you must not spend another minute in his wretched company.

On Lustful Gazes September 12, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I have a predicament to bring to your attention. My wife and I have been married for two years now. She is a Hijabi, and I am happy with her in most ways, but she has a serious problem. She can’t stop looking at other bearded men even though we’re married. I have told her to stop doing so, but it seems she cannot help it. Just today I was sitting outside on the patio sipping lattes with her when I looked up to catch her ogling a man with a beard. He wasn’t even all that handsome, but he had a hefty black beard. I don’t have a beard and this is really hurting my pride to the point that I am starting to resent her. Why can’t I just have a normal wife?
Jealous in Jameston

Dear Jealous,

First, we would like to humbly thank you for entrusting us with this very serious question. Your braveness is commendable, given that you are after all an unabashed Beardless and unfortunately for you, we have a strong and glaringly obvious bias against you, as this entire blog attests. But let us take a moment to express how very woefully sorry we are to hear of your sad predicament. You poor, poor Beardless! Your wife is terribly wrong to gaze with uninhibited lust upon the shiny blackness of another’s chin – especially in your presence! Alas, that lustful kohl-lined gaze is all too common amongst increasingly desperate Hijabis who discover they haven’t been blessed with a desirable Beard – or in your wife’s case, any Beard at all – to complete their hairless lives, and we cannot help but sympathize with her shameless ogling. You must understand that in a society in which Beards are so scarce, a woman cannot help but drool at the sight of a strappingly healthy Beard. You must decide if you can live with this reality. You may suspect that you cannot, but remember that the Quran suggests that perchance there may be good in your endlessly leering wife that you have yet to recognize and properly appreciate.

Do keep counselling her to lower that potently attractive gaze. In the meantime, dear Jealous, might we kindly suggest that you grow a luscious beard of your own? It is often thought that devout women must adorn themselves for their desiring husbands’ pleasure, but we at SABM believe the opposite is true too, and frankly your wife’s reckless behaviour indicates you are failing miserably in this regard. We strongly suggest you begin growing a beard today. If you are a Mozlem, and it is clear that you are, you should have little difficulty becoming full-bearded and handsome – all this would require is throwing away that trusty razor and revelling in the delightful roughness of your unshaven face for a few days before the stubble pokes out sufficiently to be called Beard. Yes, there is the oiling and the combing and the maintaining of that fine mane, but we are confident that when your Hijabi is properly satisfied with your beardified self, her boldly straying eye will be immediately quelled.

In the meantime, we would advise you to make repeated dua not just that God endows you with sufficient hairiness to return your wife’s gaze to your chin, but also that you are able to exercise due patience with the circumstances in which you now find yourself. Though the pious womenfolk are permitted to only glance at the bearded parts once – and fleetingly – many women who have been deprived of Beards all their lives find it impossible to look away. In other words, you should take some comfort in the knowledge that this is very common and indeed normal behaviour on the part of your helplessly goggle-eyed mate.

Beards Charted September 9, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.

We at Snag a Bearded Mozlem have recently come across an ingenious blog. The following is a chart of beard types that this fellow explores.

We approve of the following: Hollywoodian, Short Boxed Beard, Ducktail, and Klingon.

Will Beardless become Beard? August 20, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

At SABM, our newfound fame has led to an outpouring of the most delightful inquiries imaginable. Here is one such gem below:

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I really like your blog. You seem like an expert on beards, so I thought I’d ask you a question. I am talking to a guy right now that my parents approve of. But he doesn’t have a beard. What do I do? Should I hope he’ll change after marriage?
Confused in Chicago

First, we at SABM are not quite sure how you might have found yourself drawn to a girly-faced fellow without a beard. Was it the soft skin on his throat? Perhaps the ultra-feminine pouty bottom lip that is now so very obvious without the shag? We are sad that you have resigned yourself to this Beardless, for it must be painfully obvious to you by now that these emasculated faces without beards have the disturbingly strange appearances of women. Pretty women, mind you, but women nonetheless.

But back to your query. Let us gently pose a question to you, dear Confused. If the black carpet on the chin is so very important to you, and if you are of a natural and sane conviction that the beard represents a tremendously long degree of commitment to faith, then why – really, why, dear Confused – would you leave such an important matter up to chance? Imagine you were a Beard who was possessed with the sudden and urgent need to get hitched – this is quite usual, we are told, amongst that fickle breed we call Boogers. But imagine for a minute that you were a serious Beard. A serious Beard who was convinced the hijab was the most glorious and noble piece of fabric in the universe since women’s curvalicious bodies were invented – would you seriously consider a woman who pranced about wantonly without it? Please reassure us you would not – we are Single Hijabis after all.

Consider that Beardless, after marriage, could well resist any of your nagging wifely attempts to transform him. After all, as we are so fond of saying in the West, he has already ‘got the girl’ – quite easily, in fact. So work on him now. Beguile him with your feminine wiles – the Hijabi way, of course. If he blushes at your request and willingly dons a few stripes of hair for your sake, then yes, there’s a likelihood he’ll keep it on after marriage. But if he refuses now, Beardless isn’t going to change his stubborn mind anytime soon. So ditch him. The world is a big place, and if you search long and hard enough, we assure you that you will likely find yourself the perfect four-leaf clover – er, Beard – to suit your select pleasures.

Oh, if only it was that easy! August 19, 2008

Posted by ladywuggles in Uncategorized.

This Bashful Peach has terrible taste, but at least she knows what she wants…

Reality of Beards August 17, 2008

Posted by dreamingofbeards in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far

Dreaming of Beards has recently experienced a shoddy marriage attempt, i.e the typical drama that occurs whenever one seeks to be married. Tis too true, that the world of matrimony is a complex one, full of dangerous cracks and crags and cliffs and crocodiles and other words that also begin with a “C.”

Such is fate, that bearded mozlems are not always a straightforward matter. They are complex, like the scraggly wayward hairs that emboss their faces.

But not to worry, this one will soon be back on her feet, eyeglass in hand and chuckle in her throat, seeking to rope in an unsuspecting Beard.

Shy Bride August 5, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

Lady Wuggles recounts to the rest of us at SABM how surprised she was to discover Beautiful Bride crying at her own wedding. Weeping her beautiful eyes out in plain sight of hundreds of sari-clad gawkers! But whatever is wrong, Lady Wuggles wanted to know? Why is Beautiful Bride’s face black with dripping eyeliner, and why is not a single soul doing anything to stop this salty water flow?

Is Beautiful Bride being forced to marry Bearded Mozlem?! Because Lady Wuggles would be happy to take him off her hennaed hands! But alas, Beautiful Bride wanted no such thing. Or at least she whispered something to that effect under her breath and then went back to sobbing with such ferocity Lady Wuggles was convinced she had heard wrong. Are you sure, she asked? Are you absolutely sure? Then why must you look so sad? Is your stomach hurting? Was it something in the oily laddhu that hurt your heart?

Before Lady Wuggles could continue her line of uncomfortable inquiry, Scary Mother of Beautiful Bride shoved Lady Wuggles away by use of the old swing-hip. She must cry, Scary Mother growled. It is a sad day! And she is leaving us forever! And Lady Wuggles looked at Beautiful Bride and realized Beautiful Bride was not sad at all! It was all a show, Lady Wuggles realized. Beautiful Bride was not to show a teeny-tiny bit of desire for Bearded Mozlem, even if she secretly thought he was a delectable morsel to be devoured. No, Beautiful Bride was too shy! And too sad! And Lady Wuggles smirked and walked away, for she knew better. Being a sly one, she had observed Bold Beautiful Bride in the very act of expertly snagging Bearded Mozlem just a few months before!

Too Stupid For His Own Good April 13, 2008

Posted by snagabeardedmozlem in Uncategorized.

At SABM, we are always looking for signs of Bearded Frauds. These creatures usually trawl about online strutting their fake beards and searching for Decent Hijabis to harass – er, marry. Decent Hijabis are strongly advised to refrain from falling for these beardless fellows. Below is an online chat session that reveals Bearded Fraud for what he is. Watch for the signs and don’t make the same mistakes yourself:

BF: Salam
BF: Anyone there?
BF: I don’t like talking into thin air. It’s rude.
DH: Oh, sorry, I don’t believe I know you.
BF: That’s okay.
DH: It actually isn’t.
BF: We can at least talk.
DH: I’m really not interested.
DH: I didn’t even know strangers could contact me this way.
DH: I must have unclicked something along the way.
BF: Let’s just talk.
BF: And then you’ll see if you’re interested in continuing to talk to me.
BF: Are you a Muslim?
DH: Yes.
DH: I’m really sorry, but I’m not interested in continuing this conversation.
BF: Why?
DH: I’m just not.
DH: I wish you the best. Goodbye.

But Bearded Fraud comes back with, well, a few lame comebacks of his own. Be awed as we are with the ludicrous arguments he puts forth to the now-wary Decent Hijabi online:

BF: You said you are a Muslim. Are you a hijabi?
DH: Yes.
BF: So you can’t judge me before you know me. Didn’t Allah say that?
BF: Don’t think you are better than me or any other Muslim girl.
DH: I didn’t say I was.
DH: I don’t want to be rude.
DH: But I’m really not interested in talking to a random stranger.
BF: Do you think you are a good Muslim?
DH: I don’t get what this has to do with being a good Muslim or not.
DH: But if you read my words carefully
DH: You will realize I wasn’t saying I was better than you.
BF: Who do you think you are?
BF: You know, honestly, you women think you practice and apply Islam 100%.
BF: Just because you wear hijab.
DH: The fact that you cannot even understand what I am saying
DH: Shows there isn’t sufficient commonality to converse.
DH: I didn’t say that I practice and apply 100%.
DH: What nonsense.
DH: My wearing of the hijab doesn’t mean I’m a paragon of virtue.
BF: You know what?
BF: If I wasn’t a Muslim, and I saw the way you were treating me
BF: I wouldn’t even think to convert to Islam.
DH: Yeah, well, I tried to be nice to you, but clearly, you do not understand.
DH: So honestly, I don’t care.
DH: Goodbye.
BF: You people don’t present Islam the way the Prophet did!
BF: You give a bad image to Islam!
BF: And you call yourself a Muslim girl? Ha!
BF: Salaaaam!

Good riddance, Bearded Fraud! Too bad you had to learn the hard way: Decent Hijabs are far too clever to fall for your clumsy beardless tricks. Even when it’s online and your words are couched in self-righteous, religiously invested language.